#8, April 16, 2015, Sore Delight

The following is the next in the series of excerpts from my journal, written during the last year of Dave's life.

Something is loosening its grip a bit. I can’t write yet, but I can think about it a little. I don’t think anymore that Dave is going to die. At least not anytime soon, although he still seems afraid of trying to sleep in bed. He’s been developing bed sores from spending so much of his life in a chair, but he still doesn’t want to change that. It’s like he can’t see that it prevents him from doing any of the traveling he says he wants to do.

As for me, I’m getting used to this, and am content that I’m living the life given me. There are still quick, fresh mornings like this that let me breathe, and days that allow pleasant hours. Asking more than that is more than too much, but true delight still sometimes comes.

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#7, April 15, 2015, The Fragile Peace

The following is the next in a series of excerpts from my journal, written during the last year of Dave's life:

These are the mornings I wait all year for--when I can open the window and hear the owls call just before sunrise, then transition to the twittering of morning birds. Mild, bright, and gentle at the same time. Clean. New.

These are not like some days that have slid mildly by in larger seasons. Needs press--some to do with normal activity--washing and cleaning--some to do with Dave's illness--making breakfast for him and his friend because he can't go out and taking him to physical therapy--and some extra ones of my own making--painting, assembling furniture, or working on the details of the kitchen design.

But right at this moment, I hear the birds and feel the cool promise of a gentle day.

One of my oldest friends called last night. Amid their life of going here and there in their new Corvette and of cruises and trips, she wants us to come down to see them. She asks every time, even after seeing Dave's weakness in December. When I say he improves a little, she doesn't know the low weakness he improves from and I don't dare tell her. I want to spare her worry--and to spare me the pain of her reaction, her unintended sympathy for a grim reality not yet known.

If I could only slide through this day with the grateful calm of these moments. But Dave will wake, and people will come. They will obscure the fragile early morning peace, and I will live another day. Oh, God, thank you for the beauty.

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#6, April 10, 2015, Two Things

This is the next excerpt from my journal, written during the last year of Dave's life:

Two things today.

The first is the marvel of how I can discover my own good fortune through the actions of other people. Dave has a friend whose prostate cancer might have moved to his bones. That makes it very dangerous and what eventually kills almost everyone it inflicts. He had his bone scan 2 days ago, but he and his wife aren't making any plans for what they will do if it comes back positive. They are acting like everything will be  fine, but all the time worrying and not talking about it. I'm so glad that Dave faces difficulties head on and helps me to do the same. I don't have to live their lives, and am so glad for this part of ours. Of course, lately I've taken it too far, but I can fix some of that.

And second--1Corinthians.  The Bible often drops its fruit in minutiae, but sometimes it does it in big pieces. 1Corinthians 10 and 11 are about the body of Christ and the reception of gifts. 1Corinthians 12 is about spiritual gifts. Together they are a recitation of what to do toward God and each other, how we relate and what to value in these relationships. But then, at the end, Paul says, "But let me show you a more excellent way."  More excellent than communion. More excellent than teaching or preaching or serving each other. More excellent. Loving. Just loving. So, if I can love, and love as well as I am loved by God, the rest will come, but even if it doesn't, I will have the most excellent way. Oh, God, help me to love.

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