Saturday, December 17, 2016

Deep to Deep

Advent and Christmas, coming in these darkest days of the year, invite contemplation. They make me think--about seasons, about waiting, about where I fit in the grander scheme of things. I feel my vulnerability more acutely when winter storms gather outside and I have to work to stay warm and to guard myself  against harm from the elements. These are times of pause.

That may be why happening upon this image on one of these cold mornings caught me. Eve and Mary. The first in full knowledge of what she's lost. Her head hangs down in defeat. She can't meet anyone's eyes, let alone her companion's. The snake still coils about her feet in apparent victory. The flowers of Eden, now all she has left of the place, still cling to her clothes and ring her head. But she is cast out and knows it only too well.

And then there is Mary, pregnant and understanding completely. She reaches out to Eve in feminine fraternity while at the same time stepping firmly on the head of the snake. Eve may have been temporarily defeated, but she has not lost. Mary is here, bearing more than just hope. She has brought rescue.

And there they are, the female bookends framing the story of mankind. Eve and Mary. Creation and Salvation side by side. They are their own beginning and end, Alpha and Omega. Christ made them both and they have each done what they must. Eve has presented the problem and Mary carries the solution. 

Men will not understand this the same way a woman will. When a woman reaches out to place her hand on a sister's pregnant belly, they share an understanding of what was, what is, and what is coming. The life that belly holds moves and grows and promises a future. And as women, we treasure that promise in our hearts in a special and personal way, just like Mary.

And Eve, in her hopelessness, lets Mary draw her into a secret circle of hope and life. There they embrace, where Deep calls to Deep.

This is advent. 

During these dark days, Mary and Eve feel together the movement of the coming Christ, and know they have been saved. From the moment of His incarnation, while He still adds cell upon cell to His burgeoning humanity, while He still stirs under Mary's heart, while the process is even just beginning, Christ is already saying, "It is finished." 

Drawing above by Sr. Grace Remington, published in Give Us This Day, December 7, 2016

Saturday, October 15, 2016

My Love

October 15.
Today would have been our 38th anniversary.
Now that I think of it, maybe it still is. After all, in the eyes of the world, I'm a single woman now, a widow, and no longer married. But in my heart, well, that's another matter.

In some ways, this anniversary is sweeter, distilled down from experience and transmuted into memory. It is the day of wedding, and every one of the 37 anniversaries that followed,  all celebrated
together. A combined delight, made better in combination.

All anniversaries are memory, aren't they? While lovers are together, they add to their communal experience, but after they've been parted, well, the experience ceases and the memories alone carry on, becoming thick and palpable, more real sometimes than reality itself. I feel them all, know them not like a thought, but like a thing. I'm getting very good at remembering, and it becomes a pleasant, vital pastime--active, not passive.

Memory is a privilege.
God Himself urges us to remember.
When we cannot have real presence, memory consoles us. Memory teaches us how to long for something once had, how to use loneliness to good purpose. Memory makes solitude productive.

While those we love are with us, we have the pleasure of their flesh and blood. We have laughter, and love, and we make stories together. It is so good. But later--later we have this longing. We have the privilege of feeling again what we once had.
But this time, the experience differs. This time, we feel, but are not satisfied. God, after all, does not want us to be too satisfied in this world. He wants us to long for another. He wants us to remember that satisfaction here is fleeting.

"See?" He says, "What you've had was good, but there's more. I'm going to prove it to you...." And suddenly, our loved one is gone.
But in his place is Memory. The sweet experience of re-living all of the best God has given.
So, what if memory does not satisfy? What if it does not ease the longing?  Memory is bold and intrusive. It pumps up the longing, intensifies it. It makes me remember how good it was and want more. It leaves me panting with excitement. I remember and am glad to be able to do it.

Then I hear Him speak again. "I have more," God tells me. "I've always had it. And you will come to know it.  But, in the meantime, enjoy these days, full of sweetness, full of memory. They are my gift to you. Live them again with your love, and then look for Me. I am here. Full of hope and promise. You will find me. This is our time."

Thursday, April 7, 2016

Why "Miracles from Heaven" Makes Us Cry

I went to see "Miracles from Heaven" last night and from the moment of walking into the theater lobby, was concerned. All women. Every one.  Not a bad thing, but when they come armed with handfuls of tissues, declaring that they expect to cry, well, that concerns me.

Crying, last time I checked, is not a good time. It can be cathartic, relieving, and useful, but it's never, in my experience, enjoyable. Even at weddings. Even in victory.

So we were off to a bad start.

"Miracles from Heaven" is advertised as a true story and I believe it is. But beware. It is not everyone's story. It is not hardly anyone's story.

Anna Beam, the sick little girl at the story's center, is cute and sad and suffering, so sick that she wants, at one point, to die. I didn't blame her. Of course, the movie is about a miracle, so we know from the very beginning that she won't and she doesn't. I'm glad about that. But the story isn't really hers--it's her mother's--her mother, Christy Beam, whose faith fails during her daughter's illness and is regenerated at her healing.

That's the part that bothered me.  I believed the little girl. I believed Anna. I believed her suffering. I believed her faith. I believed her healing and her carefree embracing of renewed life afterward. But I felt sad for Christy.

She got her daughter back, of course, and that's good, but what kind of faith did she get? She got a faith borne on the back of healing. What happens if Anna gets sick again? Or her husband? Or one of her other daughters?

Frankly, I was hoping Anna would not survive. I wanted to see Christy in real victory, a victory that is the product of common sorrow, of looking square in the face of our worst fear and knowing that God still loves us and is still directing our lives for good in spite of circumstances. I wanted to see a Christy walk away with a faith that would last. As it is, I couldn't help but wonder what would happen to Christy's faith the next time it is tried. 

That was when I understood the tears in the audience--and there were tears, lots of them. Christy got her daughter back--for awhile at least. But most people don't. Most sick loved ones don't live. They die. And we know it. We see it every day. We know that Christy's story will probably not be ours.

We rejoice in Christy's good fortune, but know that we will probably not get that same miracle. Our loved one, when faced with a life-threatening illness or accident will probably not survive. And that is the more common challenge of faith.  That we are to find God in our sorrow, not just in our victory. We are going to need a faith more than that given to Christy Beam. I am going to need it.

So we cry at "Miracles from Heaven". For Christy's pain. For Anna's suffering. And for our own. Fortunately, God hears those cries. Because, regardless of physical deliverance that may or may not come, we are drawn close in trial and loved. That is a miracle. That is my miracle.

photo credit:

Sunday, February 28, 2016

The God Who is not Superman

It's that moment when you're falling....the bottom's dropped out and your fingers try to grab onto anything close, but every ledge, every fire escape, rushes by too fast. The street below gets bigger and bigger. Any minute, you're going to hit bottom.

And then it happens....

You feel strong hands under your shoulders and behind your knees, the ground stops rushing up and you're swept instead into at last.
Who else could it be? Superman.

Oh, I do like that moment....the feeling of rescue. The fear as it drains away and you wrap grateful arms around his neck. 

What is is about that guy, anyway? I'm pretty sure it's not the cape. It's not the muscles or that cute curl in the middle of his forehead. In fact, I'm pretty sure I know why the Man of Steel appeals so much, at least to me.

It's that in giving in to Superman, I'm admitting a secret vulnerability.
I mean really.
When was the last time any of us had to be rescued from anything? 
In general, we are capable, intelligent, and self-sufficient.  I don't fall off buildings. Bad guys don't chase me. No one needs to rescue me. Not really.

And a good thing too. Because Superman isn't real. I know that. *shrug*

But here's the rub. 
Sometimes I still feel like I need rescue. 

Everybody seems to be calling my name at once. The washer breaks on the same day as it snows 15 inches. Three of our children all get the flu at the same time and we don't have insurance. Somebody hits the only car we own. Somebody we love betrays. Somebody we love dies. 

I'm not falling off a bridge, but it sure feels like it. Superman may be fiction, but my feelings are real. I'm hanging alone at the end of my rope. I've done everything I know to do and I'm still going down for the third time. No man, super or not, is coming to help.
There's only one thing to do--and I cry out:

Rescue me, Oh Lord, 
Make haste to help me...
Free me from the snare they have set for me... 
Come quickly and answer me. 
Do not turn away from me or I will die...
Psalm 40, 31,143

And He does. God rescues.
Not like Superman. Not with cape and tights. But like God. 
The God Who is not Superman. 

And there's a big difference.

This is what God's rescue looks like:
When I prove my holiness among you, I will gather you from all foreign lands; and I will pour clean water upon you and cleanse you from your impurities, and I will give you a new spirit, says the Lord. --Ezekiel 36:23-26

He just doesn't fold us into His arms, carry us to safety, and then fly off to the next crisis.
God completes the job. He makes us holy.
He doesn't pat us on the head and let us straighten our skirt and go our way. He cleans us from the inside out.
He doesn't give us a pert little salute. He gives us a new spirit.

He has to and, better yet, He wants to.
Like Moses who had to take off his shoes before he could approach God in the burning bush, like the Israelites who had to believe God before they could enter the promised land, we have to be prepared. God's rescue isn't a one-step process.
He wants to reclaim all of us, inside and out, and that takes time.

That's real rescue. 
God plucks us out of danger by showing us our sin and guiding us to the firm ground of repentence.
God takes us to high ground by gifting us with faith and hope.
God puts out his hand, helping us stand every day in growing the fruit of His Spirit--kindness, meekness, self-control, and all the rest.

And, when He is done, He brings and keeps us near, made new in confidence in Him, leaning on His shoulder, depending on the only sure rescue there ever was and ever will be.
And there it is, the fear draining away as you wrap grateful arms around His neck...
Do not be afraid. I have ransomed you. I have called you by name. You are Mine.--Isaiah 43:1

Pictures courtesy of :

Saturday, January 2, 2016

Who Are We, Anyway?

Someone sent me a mask for Christmas. It came from Italy, almost halfway around the world, and I keep looking at it. It wasn't until this morning that I started to understand why.

It started out on New Years Eve, and a talk about the lives we'd built for ourselves over these 50 or 60 years, and not our dissatisfaction with them, but our downright confusion. We've become, in great parts, what we've set out to be--capable, thoughtful, faithful in measures more than we'd ever expected--but now, well, now it all seems a bit silly and out of place.

Oh, we still mess up (and I did, spectacularly, later that same night) but that's not the problem.
We recognize our instances of falling short with ease. It's the instances of success that make us pause. Our successes haven't taken us where we know we have to go. In fact, they seem to take us farther from it.

That's where the mask comes in.
The mask reminds me that we are still trying to figure out who we were meant to be.
 You'd think that, by now, we'd have gotten farther in this basic truth, but well, we haven't. And this is why--

After spending our whole lives learning and building, it seems like our business now is to dismantle it--to take apart the entire construct we've worked so hard on, looking for that essence, that kernel of what's really important.

The mask doesn't represent something that's fake--it's the layers of our life. 
It's the good things we've made day by day that, suddenly, we don't need any more. In fact, they've become hindrances. It's the taking charge, the steadfast patterns, the suddenly useless knowledge that's beginning to weigh us down rather than propel us through our days.

It's God saying, 'I've shown you what I can make of you, but I'm not done yet. Now I'm going to show you what I've put in you.'

He warned us about this, you know.
I will put my Spirit in you...--Ezekiel 36:27 

Somebody asked me on New Years Eve for one wise saying to share to take us into 2016 and I, clumsy and self-conscious, said that God wants to show us that He is in us. What I should have done is gotten out the mask, because that's the whole point.

God has made us wonderful, but what we've had to do to build our lives has covered it up.
Now, it's time to strip all that away. Now, He wants to help us uncover the kernel He's deposited, that Spirit He's incomprehensively given and nurtured. He's asking us to take off the outer shell we no longer need, to pare down to the simple, unguarded core.

It's taken Him all our lives to teach us to trust Him. 
Now, He wants to show us who we really are in Him.

So they asked him, "What are you? Are you Elijah?" And he said, "No, I am not." "Are you the prophet?" He answered, "No." So they said to him, "Who are you so that we can give an answer to those who sent us? What do you have to say for yourself?"  He said, "I am the voice of one crying out in the desert, 'Make straight the way of the Lord.'"--John 1