So here we are, at the longest days of the year, and I want to taste
the loveliness of life, and lean into it, and be wrapped in it.
Instead, I feel beset by trouble.
The whole cat thing still bothers me and I don’t know why. Then
this weekend, Bryan came home to treat Dave to two things he wanted
to do—a concert and a good French dinner—and Dave was too ill to
do either of them.
Feeling trapped by unchangeable circumstance. People crowd in and
I’m feeling like I need to be alone. I’ve often said that to love God is to accept what comes my way as
OK. Not doing so well at that just now.
Oddly, I do best when nothing presses—no visitors, no holidays, no
outside commitments. These days, even when they bring hardship, go
more smoothly. They don’t ask more than I can give. Add one more
thing, one more hard or unexpected need or requirement, and I am
dismantled.
So am I reacting wrong in design or implementation? In
implementation, without doubt. I don’t trust after all.
Circumstances still drive me over the top, steal my peace. I feel
undone.
Today is Sunday and as I read my Bible and pray it, as I study a
book about monastic culture, I realize a couple of things. First,
that monks made no apology for seeking eternal meanings in everything
they did or read. I have been mocked for this, thought too high and
mighty that I couldn’t or didn’t want to enjoy a large dose of
simple entertainment.
But, and the 2nd thing—I’m wondering whether my
current unease results from reading a good but not eternally
significant Stephen King book and, at the same time, passing odd
chunks of time playing a computer game. This morning, as I settle
into serious reading, the knot in my stomach loosens and rattled
nerves soothe a bit. Maybe I am not made to be amused.
Image: PinCaption
Maybe your a loner? I hope you feel better. Yes the king novel would scare me lol.....the Bible gives me peace too
ReplyDeleteAh Kim, maybe I am. So much of what should be obvious can still surprise, can't it? Thanks for the comment.
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