I’ve lapsed into a pattern that isn’t helping at all. In
watching Dave decline, I’ve clung to my own life in a way I haven’t
done in a long time. It’s almost like being in a desert out of the
midst of which I’m trying to find some life. And while I do this,
I’m letting go of God.
I have to start from the beginning again. I have to repent. I have
to see my fault and face it. I have to stop doing the same thing over
and over. It’s not longer life I need, but more life, eternal life,
and I can only find it in an eternal God.
I try to figure out how I got here sometimes and it always comes
back to the same thing—short term thinking. Trying to relieve the
present discomfort or unhappiness with the most obvious outlet. I
have to stop. I have to live for the longer view, and certainly at
this point, physical life is not the long view. I’m perching on an
ever-burning candle, trying to keep cool while the stub I’m sitting
on gets hotter and hotter every day. More candle is not the answer. A
safe place to land is.
There is no answer, no solution, to my situation. It can’t be
fixed. When I was unhappy at home, I didn’t equip myself for an
independent future, but married a man I didn’t love. When I was
unhappy with him, I didn’t learn anything from my situation.
Instead, I moved in with someone exciting. I never once in all of
these changes did an honorable thing. When I got tired of being
possessed but not celebrated, I looked again to yet another man, and
finally then had the wit to see that no man had the answer I was
looking for. Same thing happened with money. I loved making a lot of
it, but what I had to do to get it stripped my spirit bare.
You gave me more than life, God. In some ways, You gave me the first
life I’d known. But almost immediately afterward, You dismantled
its architecture to show me that You could make it stand anyway—stand
still if I have no church, no job, no marriage. This is why I cry to
you, because although I have friends and family to love me, there is
no one but You to help.
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